she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
