Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize