but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
