you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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