So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
