hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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