me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
