Non-Jews are for practice
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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