I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
