fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
