In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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