In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
