Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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