Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
