I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize