I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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