I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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