so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
