This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
