His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
