oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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