I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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