What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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