he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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