Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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