On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They have beer where we have blood.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
