I'm gonna have a badass scar
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
