i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
