Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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