so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
