Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
