I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You dont lie about slip and slides
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
