i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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