My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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