Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
