So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
