turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize