Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
