Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
