This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
