Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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