Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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