I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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