Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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