If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
