My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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