i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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