Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
