Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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