Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
