You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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