i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
