that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
