I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My ATM looks so different sober.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
