a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
