i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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