WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
