I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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