Apparently you make a good broom.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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