i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
