My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
