My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
