know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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