im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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