I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
