this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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