You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
