my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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