I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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