we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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