She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize