Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
