I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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